Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays. So how come
going there gets people so
stressed out?
"We expect too much," said Don Bower, a human
development specialist with the
University of Georgia Extension Service. "We picture the
perfect day, and things
never go exactly as we plan. So we sometimes end up
disappointed."
Many family traditions revolve around the holidays, Bower
said. And understanding a
little about traditions can help make these family gatherings
happier times.
"All families have traditions," he said. "And
they’re important. They
help define who families are. The family may not be all
relatives; we may include the
widow next door. We want to spend our time with people we’re
closest to, and that’s part
of what makes us a family."
That sense of family can add to the anxiety, though, when
family members are missing.
"Changes in the family makeup, because of death or divorce,
can add a lot of
pain," Bower said.
Other things that make holidays anxious times, he said, can
be easy to predict.
"Families often live some distance apart," he said,
"and getting back
together brings up old disagreements that were never
resolved."
Even when the conflict is between only two people, the whole
family gets tense. And if
it goes on long enough, it becomes a painful part of the family
tradition.
"There are negative traditions," Bower said.
"An uncle always gets
drunk. Or mom and dad always seem to fight. Some traditions
weaken families, instead of
making them stronger."
Some families may arrive at a kind of truce. They go through
the motions of family
gatherings without ever resolving the conflicts. Others use the
holidays to begin a
resolution.
The trick to having great family traditions, Bower said, is
to keep a good balance
between always doing things a certain way and being able to
change when a need arises.
"Just because Mom and Grandma always had a huge turkey
doesn’t mean you have to
have one now," he said. "Family members now may not
want to spend hours in the
kitchen, or eat leftovers for a week.
"The point of family traditions is to share a positive
experience," he said.
"Sometimes we need to loosen up. We need to have the good
sense to not keep on doing
things that create more pain than pleasure."
Many families are starting new traditions of generosity
around the holidays, Bower
said. They volunteer at homeless shelters or cook for soup
kitchens. They include friends
without families in their own family celebrations. Or they help
with fund drives for toys
for needy children.
"Sharing our blessings with others," he said,
"is a very positive
tradition for children — and adults — to support."
